thoughts

you're imaginary (March 25, 2017)

03/25/17 11:57pm

All theses years I've pretended you're still mine

My memory corrupt I can't shake you from my mind

Lost blood and sleep and losing track of time 

If you don't know me now you'll be too far behind

 

I hold you in my grasp without even contacting 

Can you imagine it again but this time we're both wanting 

To learn and to grow and to let each be free

The impossibility of your vacancy and how it still has a hold on me

 

Three years gone by and I've avoided close bonding

Due to the ounce of hope I have since I'm longing

To reach out to you once stable untethered, degaussed 

But when I met face to face my foundation gets lost 

 

How can our time spent together 

Mean anything as you remain untethered

To the feelings we shared

By avoiding to remember 

 

I don't understand how you can treat me like a stranger

When you put your life in my hands and in fatalistic danger

You lost yourself in me 

I lose myself in you currently 

 

It's been too long and I have to forget

All of our memories just like you did

Why do I fucking hold on

To someone who won't treat me like a friend

today i laughed, cried and smiled at the sun | acceptance | (February 19, 2017)

02/19/17 11:13am

Today I laughed, cried and smiled at the sun

I yelled I said "I am free"

I am almost finally free

Freed from you and freed from where I be

Because the future is there it's alive and it is so bright

All I really needed was to see and feel this light

feel me as I look as you (May 3, 2018)

(05/03/18) time unknown

My mind where has it gone?

Lately I’ve been out of the zone

only hitting the bong

as i melt into the unknown

 

Feel me as I look at you

do you see my pain

My perception so skewed

with tears blending in the rain

 

Tired and alone

together not lonely

I fear you’re not home

so subconsciously worried

 

Meditate and numb

the pressure goes away

Twiddling your thumb

the fucking sweet escape

 

Blissfully appeased

Curiously at ease

Preciously released

Tastefully diseased

riffing off spiraling thoughts (April 16, 2018)

(04/16/18) time unknown

Remember? 

When I would pick you flowers? 

I waited hours and hours 

For you to come home to me

 

I long for you 

I beg

I reach for you inside my head

Initiate the better mind before bed

And ignore hallucinations instead 

 

I wrap my mind 

Around the sights inside 

Easily recognized 

The face I have disguised 

 

Love is nauseating

Constantly contemplating

Where am I taking 

The perfection I'm making

Out to be, I'm faking

All the rules creating

No more hesitating

Open up you're fading

Why the skies so bright and light I realize the pain inside the compromise the seeing eyes the happy cries mysterious nights 

you're but a beautiful memory, i apologize for not being strong, healing coming on (February 6, 2018)

(02/06/2018) 6:03am

A beautiful memory

Time wasted grieving 

Awakened with wisdom 

Sadness overcome 

Illness not done

Healing as one.

Funny how it has been so long

I apologize for not appearing strong :)

Healing coming on!

Open your eyes for it will be gone

 

Obsession into art

Art into collection

Undivided connection 

Unlimited attention

sober thots (October 6, 2017)

(10/06/2017) 4:03pm

Why do they say they are here?

When the darkness arises they all disappear

Why do they say that they care?

When I open my mouth they only stare

 

With all the damage I've done

Who have I become?

A shadow of myself

I am so numb

 

Dab myself dumb

What have I become?

A shell of myself 

Recognize that I'm fun

 

I miss the old me

Outgoing and free

Ignorant and seen

My own worst enemy

 

Depleted energy

Forgotten identity

Covered by an entity

That took all control of me

 

Lost under submission

To the drugs I am missin

I'm under remission

Will I be forgiven?

 

They say I'm an addict

But I swear I've adapted

To the lifestyle I'm after

Forget it I'm blasted

 

Is the problem me? 

I am chained but I'm free

The issue is simply 

To not pick up that first drink

(Written sober)

 

HOW CAN I (July 18, 2017)

(04/17/2017) 3:11pm

Can I find my purpose

Can I find my home

How can I find anything

When I am all alone

 

How do I find calmness

Or peace within my mind

How can I find anything

When I am hurting all the time

 

How do I seek balance

Equilibrium within myself

How do I reach my peak

When I left it on the shelf

 

How do I forget 

The memories we had

How do I replace you with

Someone who isn't bad