anxiety

from the beginning of my Instagram account/public diary entries

Chronological Instagram original quotes/diary entries/writings:

May 12, 2012

I love hearing my parents talk nicely on the phone together. It gives me a little hope. There's still love somewhere there, someone just has to find it.

 

January 12, 2014

deep rest

 

January 16, 2014

how miserable

 

May 16, 2014

When it is warm outside, I always seem to love myself and the world around me significantly more than ever

 

July 3rd, 2014

Forget the pain
For it is only temporary

 

July 6, 2014

What do you do when you feel like you have lost you worth

 

July 12, 2014

slowly and painful

soon to feel happily

 

July 14, 2014

we suffer alone

 

July 15, 2014

Glorifying oneself in the midst of an ego trap

 

August 1, 2014

This intoxication isn’t numbing

This intoxication isn’t healing

 

August 8, 2014

I wish I would never have to wake up again.
All the memories and the false misleading dreams
Gather altogether in my mind all at once.
Shaking. I know the thoughts will never leave.

 

August 9, 2014

Why do I miss you more than the sunshine in the winter?
Why does the memory of your touch, rush through my whole body?
Why does that memory linger on my skin?

 

August 11, 2014

I don’t recognize my or anything really anymore

 

August 12, 2014

I’m still here

It will be ok soon

 

August 13, 2014

I wake up in the sunny afternoon

But all I see and feel is darkness

 

August 18, 2014

Drop the weight of the world off your shoulders,

Forget the past

And runaway with me

 

August 20, 2014

I can’t remember the sound of your beautiful voice

 

August 21, 2014

Cloudy dark head in a pretty pretty world

 

August 23, 2014

I get high off your memory,

In due time

We’ll be fine

 

August 24, 2014

I don’t think I can do this much longer

 

August 29, 2014

What a dream to come home into your arms

 

September 2, 2014

I feel like a little piece of me is fading everyday. Thoughts of our beautiful memories, and the drugs won't make them go away.

 

September 2, 2014

Alone I taste bitter on my lips, warmth runs down my throat, leaving me numb

 

September 12, 2014

I’m lost I’m lost
No one will find me
They don't want to
It’s too late I am gone

 

October 29, 2014

Poles on fire

Pulls on empty

Walls on Neptune

 

November 7, 2014

(somewhere in bellingham)
I feel like I’m floating on top of the waves beneath me
Im so calm
So bliss
Numbfully bliss
Beautiful here
I am the horizon I am in it

 

December 25, 2014

These different dimensions.. They're inexplainable

 

January 9, 2015

false perception of reality. false interpretation of dream

 

February 5, 2015

Mona is her
Mona is me
she is us and us is we

 

February 22, 2015

The world i see
through blinded eyes
is a painting
What i see
is art
I am alive

 

February 22, 2015

wandering
wondering
and confused

 

February 25, 2015

my soul has died and i am alone

 

March 1, 2015

we shouldn’t fear death

 

March 3, 2015

but how can I miss love when love does not exist

 

March 23, 2015

All we want is for someone to want us

 

May 14, 2015

are we,

we are

alone 

one

 

May 25, 2015

distorted
and how it is painful
tobealive
(but it shoudn't be that way)

 

May 26, 2015

I search for your energy and our memories, here.

 

June 16, 2015

life is odd without love

 

June 21, 2015

who am i, am i who, am i her or is she you

 

July 2, 2015

are you HERE now

 

July 3, 2015

She doesn’t want to be alone anymore

 

July 9, 2015

my reality is a dream,
this is all a dream

 

July 20, 2015

nature is my ‘god’

 

July 21, 2015

for one second

I felt alive again

 

July 21, 2015 

glossy eyes give it away

 

August 25, 2015

in my eyes
eye sea cotton candy skies

 

August 26, 2015

You are the trees, the air I breathe.
You are the face, I always see.
You come and go but here you'll stay,
in my soul, for years we wait

 

August 27, 2015

I find home within myself, within nature, within us. We are all one, though its hard to believe when you feel completely alone

 

August 27, 2015

-we all love our egos and true selves-
Everyone goes throughout their existence trying on different masks. Finally after years of your spiritual awakening, you will reveal the true internal self of your being. Only you know that true self. Imagine when you're trying to fall asleep at night. There are no distractions, there are no other humans, just you, and your thoughts. You can't ever hide from that self, that only you know. You can't run from who you act like or who you are to society, and you can't run from your thoughts. That's when you learn to accept, grow, balance, find your equilibrium and understand yourself. Observe yourself in third person, see who you are around different groups of people. Take these pieces and build your foundation, on the journey of revealing your inner being. It doesn't matter whether we hide by using makeup or different personalities, or characters, or if there's truly no cover at all. Our characters change, our actions change. Why do we alter ourselves this way? To feed the ego.
(Don't give in to it or hide for long, it'll eat you alive)

 

August 28, 2015

all hail the wonderful chron: the guide to spiritual awareness, self insight and observation,
the master at providing continuous feelings of bliss,
the natural medicine to feel calm, content and ok
The motivation to live in the now and ENJOY NOW

 

August 20, 2015

I fell in love with a storm and my mind got lost in it

 

September 1, 2015

psilocybin
open your mind
open your eyes
feed your soul

 

September 3, 2015

do you hate when I say
that I change everyday?

 

September 4, 2015

will there be bliss on gloomy days?

 

September 4, 2015

I look up to the cartoon clouds and scream into nothing,
do you ever think of me?

 

September 9, 2015

I perceive little glimspes of my life as being scenes in a movie. Like I sometimes feel like I'm in a different era, dimension, reality, illusion (?) I am a different person in a different place all the time and always. Lets all just love each other and nature and sit back n enjoy this roller coaster ride

 

September 12, 2015

content with the unknown

 

September 26, 2015

look out from within

 

October 5, 2015

you have the power to make your world paradise

 

October 6, 2015

-The purple trees and Me-

in My eyes
I am
stoned
to Death
Then reborn
And I am
alone
But
If You dig Deep
Ethereally
into My soul
physically
at My face
visually
into My eyes
You can see the start
of Me
I am, She is, We are
growing into
some thing new
Can you sense
The Beginning
of self love
Fulfillment Healing Acceptance
Can you feel
happiness
radiating
at long
last

October 6, 2015

your memory lingers
our past flashes in my mind vividly
your memory lingers
do you ever think of me?

 

October 12, 2015

are you ok
are you safe
are you happy

 

October 14, 2015

numb

 

October 18, 2015

gloom will consume

 

October 18, 2015

you have died, even though I thought Is aw your light

 

November 2, 2015

-loving nightmares vivid flashbacks-

You are gone
But you're in my head every night
You have died
Though I thought I saw your light

You are here
But not with me
And when my eyes close
I go back to the beginning of we

Get out from under my skin!
I'm losing my fucking mind
But I see you on the outside
And you are buried within!

 

November 6, 2015

Enjoy the ride even in the midst of suffering

 

November 9, 2015

just keep reminding yourself that everything is only temporary

 

November 15, 2015

I find myself constantly mesmerized by the Earths beauty in the moment

 

November 20, 2015

allow your alternative perspective to alter your reality

 

November 22, 2015

I am so grateful for being able to enjoy the beauty of this earth while working. I often take little detours and go off road a bit while delivering, just so I can look at the sky in awe and disbelief

 

December 15, 2015

So many words left unspoken
I hope the gifts I made you aren't broken
So many words left unsaid
How many times have we wished we were dead?

 

December 15, 2015

All in a moment

 

December 15, 2015

Does it ever burn inside
at the sound of my name
When you're throwing back poison
to numb your brain?

 

December 19, 2015

western lights on

western nights with

western frights

 

January 3, 2016

I saw your light through the trees
Do you remember this place?
Do you remember me?

Together, we stand alone
Our memories forgot
You were, my home

 

January 14, 2016

She searched for you here and she searched down below
She's obsessed with his memory
But he'll never know

 

January 18, 2016

bleeding

 

January 25, 2016

don't you see? heaven is here now all around us everyday

 

January 29, 2016

becoming 

harmonious

 

March 10, 2016

Who are we?
That we imagine to be
Illusions are strong,
and I can't see reality
I waited in the dark for you to show up
You covered my eyes
my thoughts now corrupt
I wanted more,
what you had wasn't enough
Screaming and hurting, for this I did not sign up
You said you had loved me, and even if you did
You took your fears out on me,
for years you hid
Now you and I are set free
We can do as we please
Pretending you're dead
Is the easiest way to forget

 

April 8, 2016

I am free

 

April 29, 2016

lost minds get lost at lost lake

 

May 3, 2016

harmoniously flowing happily

 

May 5, 2015

the sun still shines without you, and it feels so fucking good

 

May 17, 2017

Bliss

 

May 27, 2016

how does that go?

I can feel your shadow

 

May 21, 2016

-My window sill-
Looking out my window
looking into sky
Feeling all your energy
floating through and flowing by

 

May 23, 2016

Happy 14th birthday to my sweet baby son. We will be making memories for many more years my lil sneeze boy la cheezo pep man.

I've been loving you since the day I was told to close my eyes and reach out for what I thought was a fuzzy pillow. For years I've enjoyed your company and personality. For years you have let me hold you while I hysterically wept on your back about the things that hurt me at the time.
You never failed to temporarily relieve the symptoms of my depression.

You've run away countless times causing yo momma to feel the dread of grieving and death, but you always somehow came back.
You've been through so much, moving from house to house from one family member to the next. You've been in sketchy environments no dog should endure, but you fought through it and stuck with your homeless fam after we lost our house in 08.

You have given me so much great joy and happiness and I don't know how I could ever repay my little pup. You're only 14, you have so much more life to live and experience to have. I love you so much Peppy, happy birthday.

 

May 24, 2016

Experiencing my various states of bliss when discovering new places. I like to call this here, Fractal Land

 

May 21, 2016

-My window sill-
Looking out my window
looking into sky
Feeling all your energy
floating through and flowing by

 

June 4, 2016

4 years ago on this day, I gave my heart to the first and only individual I have ever experienced romantic love with.
We spent two years every day of our high school lives with one another. In those times, we were in the beginning phase of self exploration. We began to understand ourselves, deeply analyze our minds, decide what our wants and needs were, all while trying to decipher the mystery of our world around us.
But in the midst of all this, we had failed to grow with each other and the universe forced us to take our own separate paths.
I have thought about this person everyday for two years.
It pains me to say that I can only see your face in my dreams, and almost every night it has pleasantly haunted me.
I do miss your memory.
I wish I could say I knew about who you are now.
I wish I could have been as strong, positive, vibrant and self aware as I am now, but I truly couldn't have known without being on my own.
I don't know who you have grown into or what you have learned or what memories you have had in the time being...
I just know that your nostalgia aches me, and I don't think your energy will ever escape my soul.
I hope for you to thrive in your dreams, love and balance yourself, laugh and smile brightly, create your fantasy, experience the wonders of people and your creative mind, grow with yourself and live a beautifully connected and happily fulfilled life.

 

June 25, 2016

Every time I look up and see this around me
My pain melts away because this world is astounding

 

June 28, 2016

burning skies blaze through my eyes

 

July 15, 2016

deep set, smoked, happy

 

August 23, 2016

We all are the sun we are the water we are the trees
All of these beauties speak and breathe with me

 

September 10, 2016

living my high and happier life

 

September 10, 2016

smiling brightly while experiencing intense nostalgia.
I haven't seen @porterrobinson since 2011, on my first date before falling in love for the first time.
Time heals all wounds- and boy, was this surely a great and powerful moment to spend alone at the last show of #bumbershoot16

 

September 29, 2016

But why can't everyone see,
our lives are now, so why are we waiting?
Experience THIS because that moment has already expired
We waste ourselves working meaningless jobs in hopes to retire
And when we think we've reach that peak,
what the fuck we'd expect- our dreams at our feet?
It frightens me that so many are unaware- about the daily toxins we consume but we don't care
When I "preach" about health, people tend to ignore
Many fail to notice it is OURSELVES whom we are at war.
Take care of your physical and spiritual self, not just mindlessly work the grind
Because when your third eye opens, you'll see how much of your fucking life you've left behind

 

October 16, 2016

learning to break the haze and heal

 

October 23, 2016

After the show! #safeinsound was such an incredible sobering experience- many spiritual moments within myself this night. The music, the bass and the energy from the crowd ran through me. Its healing effects still resonate, and I already have nostalgia from this rave

 

December 8, 2016

Everything will soon be okay
all you need to do is go outside and play
Thank yourself and thank the day
because before you realize, it'll all go away

 

January 4, 2017

when I see the sun shine through trees like this I know everything will be ok

 

January 19, 2017

stay okay

 

January 20, 2017

who have I become who am I what have I done
Me me ME ME ME I AM ME and I am so good

 

March 13, 2017

This is for the people who are afraid of and offended by the body as a form of creative self expression. Nudity should not only be associated with sexuality. Embrace your body, love your parts and free yourself because this shouldn't even be an issue. Let us not be shocked by the female figure without clothes on, and desensitize yourself to it! We have fully accepted a bare man's chest, so why not a woman's?

 

April 3, 2017

I found myself smiling immensely when visiting California-even when I brought the rain the entire week

April 3, 2017

I'm thrilled to soon post the pictures from the photoshoot on #granadahills. Through pink clouds, warm winds and thunder storms, the energy in #California just might be what I've been looking for. I radiate here

 

May 8, 2017

everything will be ok

rise above the hurt and rise above the pain

because everything that happens is meant to be that way

 

May 11, 2017

✨Open your mind
One day at a time
Observe your thoughts
Let them unwind.
✨Rise up and above
Your body down below
See others perception
Through shared eyes-we're connected.
✨Don't waste time debating
Just how you're curating
Those thoughts cultivating
Your mind as its fading.
✨Each day we must
Free ourselves from the cuffs
That are shackled to us
Escape this realm-don't give up. 

 

May 12, 2017

Keep on going! Keep on flowing! Keep on dreaming! Keep on seeking
and DO

 

May 12, 2017

We are all a collection of everyone else, that's why sometimes we struggle with "self identity". Constantly grasping at what it means to be "me" when "me" is consistently growing, evolving, changing, warping, and morphing

 

May 29, 2017

Smiling, genuine, healing. Thank you sun, thank you breath, thank you nature, thank you to me (my universe) for continuing to hold me, pick me up and push me up through the most fluid, ever changing and confusing times of my young adulthood. Every morning we are given another opportunity to evolve, to impact others on an interpersonal level, to make minor changes to improve our short existence-so let's try, even in our darkest and nightmarish phases, to use this time while we can. 

 

June 14, 2017

I did it. I actually did it. I did everything by myself when three years ago I had the false perception that I was unable to accomplish this alone.
But here I am- graduated, as a Studio Art major with an Arts Enterprise and Cultural Innovation minor.
College was my time of self-isolation. I focused on deep self-analysis, self-awareness, and self-healing. I struggled immensely over the years to overcome my state of depression, inhibiting anxiety and PTSD that still continue to haunt me. College allowed the time for me to determine my self-worth and my roles all while experimenting my wants and needs. These years at Western were necessary for me to find my internal balance- something I've been completely ignorant of my entire existence. I don't know how I was asleep for so long before, but now I am here to say that Sabrina MacVicar is finally freed from the reigns that have held me back. I am finally confident in the fact that I AM intelligent, I AM motivated and I AM accomplished. I can do anything I set my mind to and I am proud to say that I did it. I did it, I DID IT, and I am FREE!

 

June 28, 2017

Sorry not sorry for the paradiso post overload- I just want to share with my peers how incredible this weekend was. This temporary utopia was filled with growing, young and beautiful people all creatively expressing themselves through their body as the canvas. It was refreshing to see everyone around me uninhibited, loving, friendly, moving, and most importantly lost in the music while experiencing their subconscious world within their minds. These strong feelings may be uncommon for many folks to experience, but with the SAFE use of marijuana, MDMA, LSD, mushrooms, etc. exemplifies how these substances help encourage others to shed themselves of their egos. This allows us to open our third eyes, to rid ourselves of the past and future- to focus on the now in order to become a society of peace, care and love.

 

July 18, 2017

It will all turn out okay
But only if you perceive it that way!

August 28, 2017

The Oregon Eclipse Gathering was well worth the ten hour wait in line. Grateful to have experienced this once in a lifetime festival-surrounded and supported by my friends in a safe space of non-judgement, openness, fun, freedom, independence and connectedness.

 

Although I tended to veer off a lot to explore my mind alone on this 7 day journey, I am so glad to have enjoyed this incredible event with my best festi bud and amazing friend Nihmen. I am thankful you are in my life. Thank you for always being so genuine, kind, selfless, and funny. 💜

 

What I enjoyed during my time at the Oregon Eclipse Gathering was finally reintroducing psychedelics back into my consciousness. I experienced the most confusingly mystical and beautifully intense trips after shedding my fear to interact with the divine again. These medicines enhanced my sobered mind (off of anti-depressants for over a year now) and allowed me to access to my third eye capabilities. A combination of the magical LSD & mushrooms & THC helped me reach clarity, see beyond the chaos, become the chaos, lose my ego deep into the brightness of my thoughts and accepted that almost of our worries are useless. Happy to have shared some of my personal revelations with these two nonjudgmental and exploratory minds.

 

August 20, 2017

A pretty prominent paradigm shift in my life is happening and I am onto a new phase. I decided to move back in with my paps tomorrow temporarily in Vancouver in order to seek deeper clarity, get support from family, appreciate my home roots again, and focus on my health and mental state. I will be working in Portland and eventually move in with my best friend Kat @kataimone hopefully within this year. Our initial plans fell through a few years ago, but now the universe designed our paths to finally cross again. I felt like this would be a wonderful opportunity to get back in a routine of selflessness and focus on caring for others besides myself. I want to rekindle the friendship I had with my mother, help my father with his physical and emotional health, and assist my dying dog to experience a happy end to his life. I want to be there for my loved ones again- it is time to restart and try a new life in Portland. Goodbye Seattle, you'll probably see me again soon and often.

 

September 5, 2017

I captured this photo the day of the #Eaglecreekfire. My family and I were going hike it and could have potentially been one of the 150 people stuck, but due to my fathers injury we chose to go to Hood River instead. I am in awe, utter shock and disbelief at the irresponsibility of the teens who decided to fucking destroy what makes Oregon so nostalgic, beautiful and serene. This needs to stop and I feel so powerless

 

September 20, 2017

I cannot fully emphasize the realms of our minds which my best friend Malini and I explored simultaneously this weekend at Above and Beyond Group Therapy 250. This being a completely new experience for her with electronic music and the festival community, she fully thrived and lost herself within the sounds and the energy of it all and we became completely intertwined. Both emotionally and humorously: we understood, empathized, lost our wits, sensed many mixed senses, all while being able to stare at one other to see through the pain and egoic mask with complete sincerity. This feeling of balance, togetherness and friendship I felt with this woman right here is just start of our spiritual journey together! Thanks for giving this rave scene a chance and enjoying it.
💜Mc Nutty Professor/broater/playr

 

November 11, 2017

11 days weed & alcohol free and let me say it has been an intense series of emotions, vivid past nostalgia, clear-headedness, motivation and energy. It just takes a matter of not prioritizing substances to seek change within. Took me long enough to realize that abusing drugs/alc to escape depression is merely only temporary.

 

December 6, 2016

On my way back my birthday morning from visiting my best friend @gobsquad95, I briefly stopped by the college campus I've always wanted to see with a big smile on my face in the short duration of my visit. My 22nd bday began with a lovely breakfast from @portagebaycafe and a massage from @massageenvy but ended with a day to night nap from a throbbing migraine & IBS belly destruction party. Oh well, happy to be alive and well for the days to come

 

December 10, 2017

I have spent the past 3.5 years using substances, sex, food, and whatever else to escape and numb my emotional trauma yet really it brought me closer and deeper within it. Darkness has slowly and creepily showed me light and I spend every waking moment trying to define myself, label myself, understand myself, but I don't think I can ever know the me who I try to be. Clouded of judgment, wearing these masks, defining myself from the me of the past, pleasing these people, but in the "end" who the fuck does that make me?
Social media has corrupted my sense of self, drugs have inhibited my sense of humor, depression has destroyed my well being. I am so distracted by the purpose for which I think I may serve and in the midst of the dwelling I lose myself.
How the fuck long will it take me to be the me who I am capable of being?
"Oh you're so young you have time",
No fuck you, my time can be over at any god damn moment and each moment I live it better be the best one or else why the FUCK are we here and trying so fucking hard?
(Picture of the modern me trying to live in the past embodiment of a funny, loving & carefree me)

 

December 11, 2017

Happy 22nd birthday to my platonic soulmate Malini. I love you so much that for the years we've been separated because of school, I would try driving down to see you at least a few times a month. I'm really thankful that I did to maintain our strong bond. Wish I didn't have the flu right now, otherwise I'd be up there helping you study for your last final next week ;) I hope you have a wonderful day and receive all the love and care you deserve, forever until the end of time! 

 

December 28, 2017

It feels my perspective is clearing
Winter skies are no longer dreary
I used to blame it all on the cold
But now I'm afraid to grow old
.
I still lie in bed most of the day
Is it not accepted to not be okay?
I used to always know why
But past trauma's still clouding my mind
.
Maybe an imbalance in my brain
What will it take for it all to change?

 

February 4, 2018

Cannabis, Norman Rockwell mug with black tea, oddly warm February days, PNW air...just a few things that keep me sane when I experience the lowest of my lows

 

February 5, 2018

I began drawing this number in Sept 2016 but gave up after many trial and errors with it. Luckily I captured some photos of the beginning process which I like more than its current outcome. More progress photos to come.
It starts as an old graphite drawing of you
It spirals, I wind up creating something new
But all of that time I spent looking at your photo
Allows me to subconsciously talk to your shadow
It helps me heal, and it helps me face it
It reminds me of knowing I can never replace it
But that's alright, because each experience of love is temporary
Especially with the lost people we hold onto most indefinitely.

 

February 5, 2018

such a beautiful, blissful place to be

 

February 6, 2018

A beautiful memory
Time wasted grieving
Awakened with wisdom
Sadness overcome
Illness not done
Healing as one.
Funny how it has been so long
I apologize for not appearing strong :)
Healing coming on!
Open your eyes for it will be gone.

 

February 14, 2018

The concept of my long-term series of paintings primarily revolves around female empowerment, love, and expression of the self.
I painted these two exactly one year ago to start my rainbow breast series. It is based on the women who have impacted my life in a positive manner.
I am planning on creating a breast portrait in every color of the rainbow, then I will expand deeper into the color spectrum. The left portrait currently remains nameless, but her aura was perceived as green by me because her life revolves around environmental sustainability. The right are my breasts, with a blue tone because of my favorite color and to also portray sadness.
If you would like to be a part of my series focusing on making YOU as a woman feel beautiful, cared for, and loved- contact me. I would love to share this "sacred" expression of the body. This is not intended to evoke only sexual response, since most people are not used to seeing a females bare chest. It's just a FUCKING CHEST people! Breasts are beautiful, actually functional, and it's just fat and skin so get over it! Let's change and start a revolution to allow us to take our shirts off on a hot day just like men can! :) PLEASE don't report- THIS IS ART!

 

February 17, 2018

Love & work hard for yourself

 

February 23, 2018

shit, dude ❄️ life is unreal and I am so gr8ful to have an opportunity to live and thrive for as long as my body lasts

 

 

The daily ritual- Freshly dripped coffee ☕️ poured in an old handmade cup from ceramics in college, combined with bong rips, drawing, listening to podcasts all while looking at life go by outside. Alone but not lonely. "Medication...meditation. I'm eating the hooks that tear me"-Moderat

 

February 28, 2018

I don't like watching you die. I saw you grow as I grew since I was 7, I helped raise you. I watch you slowly lose your hearing, your sight, your motor skills, eating skills. My brother, my son, my friend, my sweet. I radiate so much love and hope into you, and I think you are living so long because of love.

 

March 3, 2018

It'll all be okay! Got some green medicine, coffee, and reppin' high-5 of the marvelous PNW ;) smoke and let it all go bitches!

 

March 8, 2018

Taken 3.5 years ago. 18 year old me....riddled with Zoloft and hair was long from hormonal birth control...
Can you see my past pain?

 

March 19, 2018

A truer essence of my mind

 

April 6, 2018

The best part about when I look at photos of myself with makeup on and especially without makeup on, I honestly don't recognize the person looking at me. It's funny since all we know is ourselves but we can never see ourselves literally outside of body (unless you astral project ofc) the mirror isn't us!!! It's so biZARRE I don't KNOW YOU SABRINA! .

 

April 8, 2018

I love you Northern California

 

April 9, 2018

California dreaming

 

April 24, 2018

I hold you close
Just to hear you breathe
I inhale most
To let go, be free

 

May 11, 2018

I will be live drawing on this huge piece of work that will take me eternity to finish only because it's my largest intricate ink/acrylic pen meditation piece. The leaves, shells and butterflies are all very symbolically significant to a very dark incident that happened to me last May in Florida. Working on this is no rush for me- it's a personal project (as all of mine always are) but regardless, I'm experimenting with so many techniques and I don't know where it's going but I don't care where it takes me.

 

May 11, 2018

We are the
perfect duality.
The male version of me
an impeccable synchronicity.
-
Initially instantly
we connected so fluidly.
Balance and unity
a seamless compatibility.
-
With you I feel truly me
We are alone, together, but still free.
Our tasteful harmony
so disarmingly charming.
-
Within and without-
How do we go about
forgetting these doubts
Once the seed sprouts?
-
Shining like the sun
you radiating moon.
Intertwined as one
so deep and so soon.
-
We are the
gender binary.
Bilateral inseparability
a symmetrical dichotomy.
-
With such openness
we become interconnected.
Our wild adolescence is
pure, honest, accepted.
-
Growth, evolution and strength
I envision us achieving this state.
Truth, sharing and debate
communicate to educate.
-
I think I must be dreaming
experiencing psychedelic feelings.
Intertwining me within your divinity
your entire being blasts me off externally.
-
My dimensional perception
is skewed within your impression.
Intense cosmic aura vibration
you elevating sensation.
-
Nostalgia in the present moment
exists so prominently, I admit.
We align simultaneously within it
as my world melts in your soulful presence.

 

May 14, 2018

Um
IS THIS REAL LIFE?
So immensely honored to be given the opportunity to create my interactive spiritual creative experience with my framed work, groovy lights and prints/clothing of my art in an enclosed tent.... so grateful to begin this.
#paradiso #paradiso2018 #pnw #festival #pnwfestival #edm #edmfestival #rave #art #visionaryart #vending #localart #localartforsale #handdrawing #blackandwhite #inkdrawing #artist #electronicdancemusic #bassmusic #usc #uscevents #blessed #amazed #raving #visionaryart #vision #artistic #creative #goals

 

May 19, 2018

Disregarding the time,
together we feel divine.
Here we are,
our smiles beam and shine

you are wonderful.

Happy anniversary ❤️💛💚💙💜🌈🚴🏼‍♀️🚴🏼
(Bicycle day, April 19th)
-
Flowing on at last
Knowing this would pass
We are on our own
No one to call home
-
But really, we are in a zone
As we don't walk alone
And I sing your song
You harmonize along
-
With you the days are so long
As we dance in unison
Under the beaming sun
Feeling like the one
-
Giving me feelings this strong
Hope this lasts as long
Just continue holding on
To me- for my mind is gone
-
Help me as I write this tune
You are the prime muse
I allow me to reuse
Memories of past abuse
-
As ways to no longer recluse
Myself as I lose
My mind as we choose
To find our souls and fuse
-
When we hum a phrase
That causes me to daze
Into outer space
As you touch my face
-
Look at me as I fade
Energies of colliding space
Together we feel whole in grace
As we find our place
-
Divine embrace
Holding me as I pace
My heart and mind race
As we elevate.

 

May 20, 2018

I just had the gracious honor to meet three of the most incredible musical artists of my time... I began listening to the The Glitch Mob since I was 15 and saw them live for the first time with my first ex-lover in 2014. Then I saw them perform at the Oregon Eclipse last year. Today I will be watching them for the third time, in celebration of my boyfriend @angus_mcd and I's first anniversary together-sharing our collective love for their music. Over the years I have used their tunes as a mean to heal during the 7 years of my depression. Their music was my friend and was/is continuously beaming through my headphones/sound system all day & night long. Through rivers of tears, radiating smiles, and passionate sing alongs... I'm astonished that I was in their physical presence! I am planning on making a large monochromatic piece for them with their main logo, focusing on my basic symbolic elements such as duality, synchronicity and balance. I love you guys, please don't ever stop creating.

 

May 25, 2018

Took my lover to Multnomah Falls for his first time, but unfortunately the hike was closed due to the Eagle Creek fire... 😪
Got some beautiful pix, sight seeing and nature-breathing-in though :)

Also showed him Cascade Locks- such a serene spot with a super sweet dude.

you're imaginary (March 25, 2017)

03/25/17 11:57pm

All theses years I've pretended you're still mine

My memory corrupt I can't shake you from my mind

Lost blood and sleep and losing track of time 

If you don't know me now you'll be too far behind

 

I hold you in my grasp without even contacting 

Can you imagine it again but this time we're both wanting 

To learn and to grow and to let each be free

The impossibility of your vacancy and how it still has a hold on me

 

Three years gone by and I've avoided close bonding

Due to the ounce of hope I have since I'm longing

To reach out to you once stable untethered, degaussed 

But when I met face to face my foundation gets lost 

 

How can our time spent together 

Mean anything as you remain untethered

To the feelings we shared

By avoiding to remember 

 

I don't understand how you can treat me like a stranger

When you put your life in my hands and in fatalistic danger

You lost yourself in me 

I lose myself in you currently 

 

It's been too long and I have to forget

All of our memories just like you did

Why do I fucking hold on

To someone who won't treat me like a friend

HOW CAN I (July 18, 2017)

(04/17/2017) 3:11pm

Can I find my purpose

Can I find my home

How can I find anything

When I am all alone

 

How do I find calmness

Or peace within my mind

How can I find anything

When I am hurting all the time

 

How do I seek balance

Equilibrium within myself

How do I reach my peak

When I left it on the shelf

 

How do I forget 

The memories we had

How do I replace you with

Someone who isn't bad

haunted memories (April 19, 2017)

(4/19/2017) 3:48am

Help me get out of this daze

For years I'm reliant and turn to the blaze

Cognition is fading

The thoughts of me waiting 

 

I'm out of my mind

Let the visions unwind

As I heal as I gain

As I suffer through pain 

 

Let me shout 

Let me sing 

Let me do my own thing

While I sit here mediating over memories retained

 

As I fear

And I must

For we lost all our trust

 

Recollect the mistakes

from the past that we made

We were young and behaved

You restrained me to cave 

 

curiously 

I pondered you

Mysteriously 

you haunt me too

 

Obsessing over 

Not being sober

 

The imaginary nostalgia

Repeats in my amygdala

Screaming out to ya

 

wistful Washington winter (December 17, 2016)

(12/17/2016) 6:30pm

In my Washington winter

I consciously leave my window

open for you to see

 

My nostalgia is aching

From the thought of us waking

To that cool December breeze

 

I know why you chose

That one path on the road

Disregarding our memories unfold

You weren't right I was told...