(05/03/18) time unknown
My mind where has it gone?
Lately I’ve been out of the zone
only hitting the bong
as i melt into the unknown
Feel me as I look at you
do you see my pain
My perception so skewed
with tears blending in the rain
Tired and alone
together not lonely
I fear you’re not home
so subconsciously worried
Meditate and numb
the pressure goes away
Twiddling your thumb
the fucking sweet escape
Blissfully appeased
Curiously at ease
Preciously released
Tastefully diseased
(04/16/18) time unknown
Remember?
When I would pick you flowers?
I waited hours and hours
For you to come home to me
I long for you
I beg
I reach for you inside my head
Initiate the better mind before bed
And ignore hallucinations instead
I wrap my mind
Around the sights inside
Easily recognized
The face I have disguised
Love is nauseating
Constantly contemplating
Where am I taking
The perfection I'm making
Out to be, I'm faking
All the rules creating
No more hesitating
Open up you're fading
Why the skies so bright and light I realize the pain inside the compromise the seeing eyes the happy cries mysterious nights
(02/06/2018) 6:03am
A beautiful memory
Time wasted grieving
Awakened with wisdom
Sadness overcome
Illness not done
Healing as one.
Funny how it has been so long
I apologize for not appearing strong :)
Healing coming on!
Open your eyes for it will be gone
Obsession into art
Art into collection
Undivided connection
Unlimited attention
(04/16/2018) 4:43pm
Met you with a pretty girl in hand
But I liked it I could understand
My body vibrating
Connection unsaid, there is no debating
I moved a little closer, baby
Your body near mine
My world, melted away
as I unwind
Moving a little closer I've been
longing to be sober
When was the last time
you think saw me well?
Cause lately I do find
myself hiding in my shell
I didn't mean to find you weeping
knowing you let go is so relieving
When I see
That vulnerability
Not alone together but we are still free
What have I said to make you question that
Honesty is all of me it is no harm in fact
Look in my eyes obliviously disguised
Reciprocal attraction causes me to ask why
Do I want you to see, the empty parts of me, chaotically and promising an open mystery
When our minds
Connect
I feel intertwined
And yet
I fail to compromise
Conceptualizing time
The energy flows out of me
The rest is left behind
(10/06/2017) 4:03pm
Why do they say they are here?
When the darkness arises they all disappear
Why do they say that they care?
When I open my mouth they only stare
With all the damage I've done
Who have I become?
A shadow of myself
I am so numb
Dab myself dumb
What have I become?
A shell of myself
Recognize that I'm fun
I miss the old me
Outgoing and free
Ignorant and seen
My own worst enemy
Depleted energy
Forgotten identity
Covered by an entity
That took all control of me
Lost under submission
To the drugs I am missin
I'm under remission
Will I be forgiven?
They say I'm an addict
But I swear I've adapted
To the lifestyle I'm after
Forget it I'm blasted
Is the problem me?
I am chained but I'm free
The issue is simply
To not pick up that first drink
(Written sober)
(04/11/2018) unknown time
Where am I without my booze?
They say I have the choice to choose
But what have I got to lose?
I have nothing without those blues
The nostalgic bar awaits my dollar
Guzzling sounds of warmth drip down my collar
They whisper internally don't you ever stop
They ask externally why don't you ever stop?
The drinking boys and girls always know me by name
They feel that I crave lonesome escape from the pain
I love you, a fucked up naiive blacked out stain
Your shadow lays here, so come with us to play
Please keep my seat warm from yesterday
Stumble your sexy self on over here and stay
I'll drown my sorrows in the breath of dismay
Why doesn't anyone ever listen to the words that I say?
Don't be sad honey
Do not be afraid
Don't be the disappointing daughter that you hate
Drown, forget, disassociate
Codependency tendencies infinitely curate
The mind is a game of false perception
A post traumatic stressor collection
Sensitive, willing and eased
Describing the woman that could be me
Dark, divided and diseased
I have to let me go in order to be free
I need to let it go that way I'll be free
The ego awaits at the bar in the sea
Erasing inhibitions of disastrous tendency
Belated and hated, barbaric blasphemy
Take the lens off in order to see
My ego isn't shedding so effortlessly
Why can't my hands let go of the feed
Destroying the foundation that grows the seed
Pick me up, let me down and strip me
Remove all my worth because with it, I'm a tease
The beauty beckons and reckons it believes
Every voice in my head that just tells me to BE
Fucking let me go in order to be free
I have to let me go in order to be me
I have to let the e-go
Destroy itself to see
That I am nothing without
My own lock and key
No will-power to give out
When I can't balance me
Beautiful history
Chaotic mystery
Remarkable discovery
Creative uncovering