written for my love, my friend, a home, my zen (April 16, 2018)

(04/16/2018) 4:43pm

Met you with a pretty girl in hand

But I liked it I could understand 

My body vibrating

Connection unsaid, there is no debating

I moved a little closer,    baby

Your body near mine 

My world, melted away 

as I unwind

Moving a little closer              I've been

longing to be sober 

When was the last time 

you think saw me well?

Cause lately I do find 

myself hiding in my shell 

I didn't mean to find you weeping 

knowing you let go is so relieving 

When I see

That vulnerability

Not alone together but we are still free 

What have I said to make you question that

Honesty is all of me it is no harm in fact 

Look in my eyes obliviously disguised 

Reciprocal attraction causes me to ask why

Do I want you to see, the empty parts of me, chaotically and promising an open mystery

When our minds    

Connect 

I feel intertwined 

And yet

I fail to compromise

Conceptualizing time 

The energy flows out of me

The rest is left behind 

goodbye old self (March 1, 2017) Edited April 19. 2018

(03/01/2017)  7:33pm

(04/19/2018) 5:55pm

Three years strong 

And I'm still not over

Not a day has gone by

Where I've been comfortably sober

Every pain aches

Since our nostalgia hasn't faded

I ask you to forgive yourself

Fuck this, I'm jaded

My abuse blames you

A suicide blamed me

When it comes down to it

We both died simultaneously 

You've been longer away

Than the time we both stayed 

You've been longer away

When you made me melt away

My old self I beg to you

To perceive from my way

My old self I scream for you 

Don't forget what I say!

My old love I call to you

My third eye to yours

Can you hear me falling?

My blood hits the floor

Did we we wish we were dead

From the voices in our heads

I wish we had lived

Give yourself time to forgive 

sober thots (October 6, 2017)

(10/06/2017) 4:03pm

Why do they say they are here?

When the darkness arises they all disappear

Why do they say that they care?

When I open my mouth they only stare

With all the damage I've done

Who have I become?

A shadow of myself

I am so numb

Dab myself dumb

What have I become?

A shell of myself 

Recognize that I'm fun

I miss the old me

Outgoing and free

Ignorant and seen

My own worst enemy

Depleted energy

Forgotten identity

Covered by an entity

That took all control of me

Lost under submission

To the drugs I am missin

I'm under remission

Will I be forgiven?

They say I'm an addict

But I swear I've adapted

To the lifestyle I'm after

Forget it I'm blasted

Is the problem me? 

I am chained but I'm free

The issue is simply 

To not pick up that first drink

(Written sober)

HOW CAN I (July 18, 2017)

(04/17/2017) 3:11pm

Can I find my purpose

Can I find my home

How can I find anything

When I am all alone

How do I find calmness

Or peace within my mind

How can I find anything

When I am hurting all the time

How do I seek balance

Equilibrium within myself

How do I reach my peak

When I left it on the shelf

How do I forget 

The memories we had

How do I replace you with

Someone who isn't bad

wistful Washington winter (December 17, 2016)

(12/17/2016) 6:30pm

In my Washington winter

I consciously leave my window

open for you to see

My nostalgia is aching

From the thought of us waking

To that cool December breeze

I know why you chose

That one path on the road

Disregarding our memories unfold

You weren't right I was told...

conscious misery (November 27, 2016)

(11/27/2016) 9:06pm

Accept yourself 

Erase the past

Grieve when you need

Time moves fast 

Indulge in your suffering

Because it is inevitable

Listen to your thoughts

Or destroy all that's pleasurable 

Feel your pain

Analyze decisions

Know who you are

Enjoy your visions 

acceptance (April 12, 2018)

(04/12/2018) unknown time

I think I'm trying my best

Believe me from my being

I feel nothing like the rest 

No home I found sets me free

The beauty of the mystery

The monstrous activity

Confusing identity

Losing creativity 

I don't know what I'm doing

I don't know where I belong

I don't know the words inside my mind

That are shouting all night long

My brain numbs itself into a trance

I find an easier way to dance

I shake my legs and kick up my heels

I do what it takes to make my meals

Judgment and ridicule permeate 

The fact of the matter is this is no debate 

You can disregard or you can hate

Support is what we need since we all relate 

Not one person is the same

But our minds are capable to think alike

So once you see others perceptions

Finally allows empathy to take flight

Shedding pride you brainwash from the past

I told you these ideals wouldn't last

Manipulated minded blaming your own

Once you realize you're unable to control

Losing all grip becoming out of touch

Forgotten memories eventually get flushed

self-aware, self-destruction (April 11, 2018)

(04/11/2018) unknown time

Where am I without my booze?

They say I have the choice to choose 

But what have I got to lose?

I have nothing without those blues

The nostalgic bar awaits my dollar

Guzzling sounds of warmth drip down my collar

They whisper internally don't you ever stop

They ask externally why don't you ever stop?

The drinking boys and girls always know me by name

They feel that I crave lonesome escape from the pain

I love you, a fucked up naiive blacked out stain

Your shadow lays here, so come with us to play

Please keep my seat warm from yesterday

Stumble your sexy self on over here and stay

I'll drown my sorrows in the breath of dismay

Why doesn't anyone ever listen to the words that I say?

Don't be sad honey 

Do not be afraid 

Don't be the disappointing daughter that you hate 

Drown, forget, disassociate 

Codependency tendencies infinitely curate

The mind is a game of false perception 

A post traumatic stressor collection

Sensitive, willing and eased

Describing the woman that could be me

Dark, divided and diseased 

I have to let me go in order to be free

I need to let it go that way I'll be free

The ego awaits at the bar in the sea

Erasing inhibitions of disastrous tendency 

Belated and hated, barbaric blasphemy 

Take the lens off in order to see

My ego isn't shedding so effortlessly 

Why can't my hands let go of the feed

Destroying the foundation that grows the seed

Pick me up, let me down and strip me 

Remove all my worth because with it, I'm a tease

The beauty beckons and reckons it believes 

Every voice in my head that just tells me to BE

Fucking let me go in order to be free

I have to let me go in order to be me

I have to let the e-go

Destroy itself to see 

That I am nothing without 

My own lock and key

No will-power to give out

When I can't balance me

Beautiful history

Chaotic mystery 

Remarkable discovery 

Creative uncovering